As the new year approaches, a lot comes to my mind. Life is so short to be anything, but happy right? We have no judge in this life but God himself. If someone tries to judge you smile and walk away. They are no better than you are. If someone buys you a gift, just because they think you are special and they dont throw it up in your face then it means so much more to you when you think they got it because you are worth it. Then if they get it for you and don’t say nothing it means a lot because they really think that you were worth it. It hurts when someone puts you down when they do something and then they regret it. Forgive these people and forget them or you can relive the same thing they have done and regret it all over again. I have a lot of goals for the new year. A lot of hopes and dreams to make a reality in this short life. So make the most out of your life do what you want and make it count, we are never promised tomorrow or the next few moments. Memories both bitter and sweet are the moments we have to cherish take a lot of pictures and hold them close to your heart and keep them there forever. ~♡~
This is Tyler my one and only son. He is my Mr. Wright. Here recently he has been complaining of chest pains, so I took him to the doctor. The doctor done a EKG. The EKG came back abnormal. Me as a mom, yes I’m worried and experiencing a lot of panic and anxiety. Tyler goes to the cardiologist in March. I hope and pray everything turns out ok. He is my pride and joy and makes my life complete. I can’t get ahold of his biological father his phones disconnected imagine that. Oh well who needs him I’d he can’t be around on his own. I am blessed with my son, I wasn’t supposed to be able to have children, but I was blessed with my son. He is my life, my miracle, my son, my heart.
Why can’t we make our dreams a reality? Well we can we just got to try hard enough. A person that strives with the ability and the right talent can go a long way. This past New Year (2016) I had so many damn goals….but never wrote them down. I’ve been through so much in life, but it’s made me who I am today. At the age of 14 years old I had been on the quest to find it. Later in my late twenties I was dancing on a bar, pretending to be someone else, I just so happened to like myself that way. I got attention, good compliments, bills paid, but inside I knew and still know I do have a gift, for it to be recognized well I guess will have to see. Yeah, I am a bitch and a lover, I’ll tell you why. Men in my book want what they can’t have, when they have you they eventually stop trying. I call this the Dying Love process. It sickens me after being married for seven years that my husband is no longer paying attention to me, I just exist. I know I love him, but two must work together to see things through, that is ultimately his decision to do in life. This year I’ll speak my mind, try to better myself and be exactly who and what I want to be. I’ll never change for anyone. It’s my life I care less what people think of me. I’m a high believer in God and very in tune with nature. Everyday a person wakes up they should try to be the very best person they want to be for what they want to see in themselves. I suffer with panic disorder, not being medicated for it can be a real Bitch at times. Yes I do the therapy bullshit, guess what it doesn’t work for me. I keep my mind busy, but it’s still there. I got a lot of upcoming test and one is for skin cancer, then I’m going to attempt to see my psychiatrist one last time if he don’t seem to help me this time. I won’t be going back. Wish me luck to everyone that suffers the way I do I salute you and my heart is with you. Never give up strive for greatness.
It’s been a while since I have posted, a lot has went on. I have been trying to find myself, and learn to accept what I can’t change. My theory is why would you want to change someone you love? How is that even possible…. I have been married seven years now, to a man who I love very much. Yes, in some way I do feel he still loves me, he just wants me to change me. It’s stupid little things too such as; not wanting me to wear makeup, color I dye my hair, not wanting me to wear perfume, not wanting me to get on the phone at all, etc. I know some things change when you get married and those things I have changed, I know he knows I am 100% in love with him since day one. I just hope he loves me as much as I love him. Love is a big part of this life, and in order to keep your love alive you must keep your love and your affection alive and going. I’m giving my all for love he just has to do the same and your partner must meet you halfway. When your in love you must fight for it. Let your significant other know you love them and they are very important to you and your life together. Well wish me luck my husband isn’t very happy about my hair and my makeup but regardless of that he should know I’m trying to lift myself up and feel better about myself. He says he loves me so he’s got to understand right? I really hope so its me the exact same person he fell in love with.
Always & forever…..
Today was one of those days, I got another one of those unfavorable decisions in the mail from the administrative law judge, of course I got denied again. Ughh it’s been about five years now and it still is turned down. I am sick of the panic attacks, they really are a big disappointment in my life, just praying for them to get better. I hate feeling like I’m going to die all the time. I’ve just been praying a lot,what is one to do with a unfavorable decision. I know everything happens for a reason, I’m just praying time things will get better some how in my life. For he who strengthens us….. God.
Today has been one of those days. I have had a lot on my mind. Everything seems to be happening all at once, and the racing thoughts seem to keep pouring in. The anxiety seems to never stop, maybe one day I’ll get those under control they are starting to add to the stress in my life. Things have got to change and get better, God willing I will change it and improve anything that I can. I seem to be having a late night tonight. Been watching movies this weekend, it started out with a stomach bug this weekend now the panic. Its like 2am and the insomnia is still going strong. I decided today its time to fit more exercise into my life it always makes you feel better when you exercise. I know it always takes a while to get results, but at least now I’m thinking in the right direction. I know with time we get older and older, the things we once done in the past seem so difficult. I’m 35 years old about to be 36 here soon and I know there is no better time then now to start trying to take care of myself. My sons growing up on me so fast, life will pass you by if you just set around and let it. I’m in the process of learning how to be myself, discover who I am, and make the changes I want to make. I’m too much in my head these days taking each day as it comes. I guess I’ll try to get some sleep for now guess I’ll go for now. Sincerely, Love me..
On March 21, 2008 was one of the worst days of my life. I found my little brother passed away. I thought I could revive him, but could not. I had done so many times before. He had an accidental overdose. He was 25 years old the day he passed, he had been gone a little over three hours when I found him. I remember doing CPR and hearing the last bit of air come out of his lungs. I lost it, I don’t think I have ever been the same since. I still wish he was here to talk too, all us kids grew up close. We lived in a small neighborhood Chandler Drive growing up. Everyone was like family, we all hung out at the park and went to dances. We always had fun even playing truth or dare on the park’s steps. We had good memories. I have a lot of good memories of my brother too, it breaks my heart to this day he’s no longer on this earth, but I’m sure he resides in heaven. I now talk to my brother through prayer and he resides in my memory and pictures. When death stares you in the face you get to thinking and if your like me having panic attacks thinking about how short life really is. Then after he passed more of my friends did and family. The whole concept of death is a hard subject to think about. Make as many memories as you can live life for God and try to overcome the obstacles sin throws at us. We are all scared of dying the panic attacks become almost intolerable, but we have to move forward even with panic and try to make the most out of our life. I’ve been missing my little brother as I also suffer from severe panic attacks. You will always be in my heart Lil brother, I’m so thankful to have you as my guardian angel. God Bless and R.I.P Travis Hall, love and miss you so very much.