Why can’t we make our dreams a reality? Well we can we just got to try hard enough. A person that strives with the ability and the right talent can go a long way. This past New Year (2016) I had so many damn goals….but never wrote them down. I’ve been through so much in life, but it’s made me who I am today. At the age of 14 years old I had been on the quest to find it. Later in my late twenties I was dancing on a bar, pretending to be someone else, I just so happened to like myself that way. I got attention, good compliments, bills paid, but inside I knew and still know I do have a gift, for it to be recognized well I guess will have to see. Yeah, I am a bitch and a lover, I’ll tell you why. Men in my book want what they can’t have, when they have you they eventually stop trying. I call this the Dying Love process. It sickens me after being married for seven years that my husband is no longer paying attention to me, I just exist. I know I love him, but two must work together to see things through, that is ultimately his decision to do in life. This year I’ll speak my mind, try to better myself and be exactly who and what I want to be. I’ll never change for anyone. It’s my life I care less what people think of me. I’m a high believer in God and very in tune with nature. Everyday a person wakes up they should try to be the very best person they want to be for what they want to see in themselves. I suffer with panic disorder, not being medicated for it can be a real Bitch at times. Yes I do the therapy bullshit, guess what it doesn’t work for me. I keep my mind busy, but it’s still there. I got a lot of upcoming test and one is for skin cancer, then I’m going to attempt to see my psychiatrist one last time if he don’t seem to help me this time. I won’t be going back. Wish me luck to everyone that suffers the way I do I salute you and my heart is with you. Never give up strive for greatness.
It’s been a while since I have posted, a lot has went on. I have been trying to find myself, and learn to accept what I can’t change. My theory is why would you want to change someone you love? How is that even possible…. I have been married seven years now, to a man who I love very much. Yes, in some way I do feel he still loves me, he just wants me to change me. It’s stupid little things too such as; not wanting me to wear makeup, color I dye my hair, not wanting me to wear perfume, not wanting me to get on the phone at all, etc. I know some things change when you get married and those things I have changed, I know he knows I am 100% in love with him since day one. I just hope he loves me as much as I love him. Love is a big part of this life, and in order to keep your love alive you must keep your love and your affection alive and going. I’m giving my all for love he just has to do the same and your partner must meet you halfway. When your in love you must fight for it. Let your significant other know you love them and they are very important to you and your life together. Well wish me luck my husband isn’t very happy about my hair and my makeup but regardless of that he should know I’m trying to lift myself up and feel better about myself. He says he loves me so he’s got to understand right? I really hope so its me the exact same person he fell in love with.
Always & forever…..
Today was one of those days, I got another one of those unfavorable decisions in the mail from the administrative law judge, of course I got denied again. Ughh it’s been about five years now and it still is turned down. I am sick of the panic attacks, they really are a big disappointment in my life, just praying for them to get better. I hate feeling like I’m going to die all the time. I’ve just been praying a lot,what is one to do with a unfavorable decision. I know everything happens for a reason, I’m just praying time things will get better some how in my life. For he who strengthens us….. God.
Today has been one of those days. I have had a lot on my mind. Everything seems to be happening all at once, and the racing thoughts seem to keep pouring in. The anxiety seems to never stop, maybe one day I’ll get those under control they are starting to add to the stress in my life. Things have got to change and get better, God willing I will change it and improve anything that I can. I seem to be having a late night tonight. Been watching movies this weekend, it started out with a stomach bug this weekend now the panic. Its like 2am and the insomnia is still going strong. I decided today its time to fit more exercise into my life it always makes you feel better when you exercise. I know it always takes a while to get results, but at least now I’m thinking in the right direction. I know with time we get older and older, the things we once done in the past seem so difficult. I’m 35 years old about to be 36 here soon and I know there is no better time then now to start trying to take care of myself. My sons growing up on me so fast, life will pass you by if you just set around and let it. I’m in the process of learning how to be myself, discover who I am, and make the changes I want to make. I’m too much in my head these days taking each day as it comes. I guess I’ll try to get some sleep for now guess I’ll go for now. Sincerely, Love me..
On March 21, 2008 was one of the worst days of my life. I found my little brother passed away. I thought I could revive him, but could not. I had done so many times before. He had an accidental overdose. He was 25 years old the day he passed, he had been gone a little over three hours when I found him. I remember doing CPR and hearing the last bit of air come out of his lungs. I lost it, I don’t think I have ever been the same since. I still wish he was here to talk too, all us kids grew up close. We lived in a small neighborhood Chandler Drive growing up. Everyone was like family, we all hung out at the park and went to dances. We always had fun even playing truth or dare on the park’s steps. We had good memories. I have a lot of good memories of my brother too, it breaks my heart to this day he’s no longer on this earth, but I’m sure he resides in heaven. I now talk to my brother through prayer and he resides in my memory and pictures. When death stares you in the face you get to thinking and if your like me having panic attacks thinking about how short life really is. Then after he passed more of my friends did and family. The whole concept of death is a hard subject to think about. Make as many memories as you can live life for God and try to overcome the obstacles sin throws at us. We are all scared of dying the panic attacks become almost intolerable, but we have to move forward even with panic and try to make the most out of our life. I’ve been missing my little brother as I also suffer from severe panic attacks. You will always be in my heart Lil brother, I’m so thankful to have you as my guardian angel. God Bless and R.I.P Travis Hall, love and miss you so very much.
Life is full of struggles. Everyday we try to figure out what could make our life easier, less stressful. I think about how much better the world would be if we just done for others as we would want done for ourselves. I believe there is good Karma and well of course there is bad too. We create our own destiny. It would be nice if we could all just pack up and move to the beach somewhere I have never been. I’m in the middle of trying to change my life into something better, something to smile about when I lay down to sleep at night. I think of all these famous celebrities and well they even consume a daily amount of stress. They have to avoid cameras and probably wish they were just regular people that didn’t have to run away to be themselves , to get that break. The peace of mind we all long for. I suffer from severe panic attacks daily. I live in West Virginia and wonder is these doctors ever going to really help me. Why can’t they pretend they are me? Think about the other person. Some are to quick to judge. I believe everyone should treat each other with respect and put yourself in that other persons shoes. Right now I’m 35 years old and I just feel so old, at this point you start thinking about your childhood, your dreams, what you really want out of life, how you can be here one second and gone the next. Whomever you might be you have a story. Everyone does. Life is short make it count and Pay it Forward…..this weekend I have been married seven years out of my life to a very handsome man. No I don’t have the perfect life. Yes, we are poor. It doesn’t matter though because it doesn’t have to be what everyone else has it mapped out to be because its my life, my fairy tale love and he’s my heart and in the end of the day that’s all that matters. My son is an awesome young man and as he gets older I get wiser and I think of how much more I want for him I think all mothers does. One day some how God willing, I’ll figure it all out and make my life a better place, God willing and when I do I’m going to Pay It Forward.
Today, I definitely took a walk in life. I went and got a Pelvic Ultra Sound. Yeah, I know sounds like all kinds of fun. They said my uterus was sideways. I know that couldn’t be a good thing. September has been a very stressful month for me, because I made up my mind to get test done and blood work to actually get myself checked out to the fullest. To try to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. The walk of life is scary and if your an individual who has severe panic disorder like me, well then your life is a constant struggle of the battle of the thoughts. Your thoughts are all together what some would call racing thoughts. I find it to be an exhausting nightmare. To suffer daily with panic disorder does really suck! What are you supposed to do about it? Some would say get you a shrink (psychiatrist) well I have done that. My doctor helped me for a long time then off the meds I go, and it has really done a number on me. He says do the anxiety workbook okay, done that and it still does not stop the attacks. They keep coming strong. I have chest pains daily. I suffer in pain daily and I manage, but for them to make me live in a constant fright without the proper anxiety medication, well I just don’t think that’s fair. Therapy is not going to change the fact I have full force panic and I can’t stop it. I do what I can to function daily. Since j have been struggling without proper medication my gratitude of life has decreased tremendously. I know I must make the best of things, to change things about myself that I want to change for the better. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to start walking or dancing to get the exercise I need to make myself healthier if it’s God’s will for me to be then it shall be we shall see. I am ready to take my walk one day at a time and I do know one thing for sure with God as my strength anything is possible. Stay tuned to what’s yet to come in my life and destiny, for only God can judge me in the walk of life.
There is many twist and turns in life, from love, lust, betrayal, forgiveness, truth, lies, depression, etc. We all have a path and everyone’s different and unique in their own way. We choose the path we take. I struggle with the “Stress” daily. I am pretty sure that we all do, but the question is “What can you do about it”? Well, its pretty simple find out what you want in life. What the whole plan is to getting what you want in life. Choose something you like to do and try to make the best out of it. There is always HOPE, and I hope whatever comes my way God can help me through it, for God is what gives us strength and helps us through it.
We walk around everyday not knowing what truly exist around us. Some supernatural powers. They look like normal people , just like you and I. They are very much different. They have eternal life and are damned to this earth, until the end, when all humans are extinct and God comes to get his people. These supernatural beings that some call vampires may still be here. Knowing what they are, some chose it and then some did not. Then their is heavenly angels among us. They also look like normal people, but are blessed , some call them the fallen and The Angels protect us. They can since any supernatural being around “The Vampires”. They can hear the whispers of The lips of a vampire!!! If they are near the angels get a cold chill, because vampires have no blood they crave it. The angels were sent to earth and some were born among us to stop them. Everyone knows vampires have a lurring affect on people , well angels either watch over you, protect you and they can put an amazing, convincing sense of direction on a person. It’s like they stir you in the right path of direction.
Well tonight my heart hurts. I don’t know if I’m having heart problems or just a heartbreak. The things I’ve been through when it comes to love, seems so unreal. My husband has been my heart for almost seven years now. The last couple days he has seemed pretty distant. I looked from the bathroom back near the bed were he was laying. It really looked as though he was hiding a cell phone. I guess him and whomever she is isn’t getting to well or something. I really hope he doesn’t have plans breaking my heart and giving me a heartache that would last a lifetime. I’m all upset right now. Just like when he went to the mall on Saturday. His phone was going dead he seemed so happy coming home Friday on payday that happiness ended the last couple days. I hope and pray he really does love me always & forever or I’ll have a heartache the rest of my life. I hope that doesn’t happen….